little miracles

A new year of possibilities, even the possibilities of little miracles that keep us going and believing. Miracles come in all shapes and sizes and mine came in an envelope (actually 21 envelopes) this Christmas.

For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away this past August. My dad was my hero...I rarely told him (which I regret) but he was. He helped anyone who needed help, from numerous Shelter Homes which housed hundreds of people who were mentally handicapped or disabled..to the people in his church who he served unconditionally up to his end. His life was his family. Even after my mom and dad divorced when we were little, he was still always there. He would drive the 8 hours to pick us up every other weekend, drive the 8 hours to take us to his house and then Sunday evening, drive the 8 hours back to drop us off and 8 again back to his home. He didn't miss a single weekend. Not one. His dedication to his family carried over to us as adults, as well. He loved his grandchildren (all 21 of them) and always made a point to spend time for them.

Christmas was important to dad. He made a point to celebrate the real reason for the Holiday and even had a reenactment of the story of the birth of Christ with all of the grand kids playing some role, and there was always, it seems, a baby available to play the important role of baby Jesus. He also had this thing about equality in the gifts he gave, too. When we were kids, we got the exact amount of gifts, and in most cases, the exact same thing. If one of us girls opened a sweater, we knew we were getting a sweater, only in a different color! He did this with the grand kids, too...and his intentions were that he wanted each kid to know that he loved them all the same.

This year was really difficult to not have dad with us. I tried to get through Christmas suppressing what I knew was trying to surface...that ache in my heart from him being gone...I thought that if I didn't allow myself to think about him, I would be fine. One thing I have learned about grief, though, is that as much as you try, the reality will still hit you and if you don't allow yourself to grieve, the magnitude of the waves of grief hit you too hard, to where you almost can't bear it. So, grieve. Let it takes its course in the healing process.

Christmas Day, I drove down to Utah to be with my mom and step dad since they were preparing to leave on an 18 mo. mission for their church. They were speaking at church on Sunday and I wanted to show my support. After church, we all sat down to a lunch, surrounded by family. My oldest sister pulled me aside and gave me three envelopes with tears in her eyes and said that they were for the girls...for Christmas...that they were from dad. I was confused because I know my dad. He wouldn't have even thought about Christmas yet in in the summer. How could he possible have planned for Christmas before he passed away? She then told me the story...the little miracle that I will forever remember.

My stepmom, Maria has been overwhelmed with the absence of my dad...the responsibilities that she now feels that she should carry because she knew they were important to dad....hosting dinners at her house to keep the family close and in this case, getting the kids Christmas presents. Financially, my dad's death was a burden on her but she still really wanted to get the grand kids something for Christmas, especially with this being the first without grandpa...but she had nothing to give. How could she possibly afford to buy anything for 21 grand kids? And of course, we weren't expecting anything. It wasn't the gifts that were important...it was family. Knowing that we all had each other for support and love and a rare closeness that we all shared...this was the legacy that dad left us. This was the gift that was important to us this year. But Maria wanted this year to be special for the grand kids and of course she couldn't do anything for them. She wanted to be able to give the grand kids $10 each, but that would mean $210 and she just didn't have that.

Two days before Christmas, Maria received a small miracle on the mail. Dad had some stock that he had purchased years ago and for some unexplainable reason, it had cashed out and arrived in Maria's mailbox. Maria opened the check. It was for $210.73. My faith has been wavering for many years now. In fact, I have been doubting the role that God really plays in all of our lives. I guess, in a sense, you could say that this one small event that happened was actually two miracles. It was a miracle for the kids, in that they got to have one last gift from grandpa, but it was a miracle for me...a miracle to dissolve any doubts that I had about God...at a time that I needed to believe in him. This was dad's last gift to me...my renewed belief and faith in God. I have since had another event happen that has affirmed my faith that I won't share because it's too personal, but I do know that God plays a role in everything. Sometimes it's big and sometimes it's small. Like I said, miracles come in all shapes and sizes...but they are miracles nonetheless.

Happy New Year to ALL of you, my friends! I wish you the very best in this coming year and I look froward to sharing with you the possibilities of a wonderful year.
Leora